the sense of loss easily missed that comes with a rejection slip
is the insidious notion that there is no purpose, no reason to my doing this--
writing
nov 2
sliding into winter summer takes hold
there's not always time for everything
11 nov
inner balance, more than california speak
--the absence of the illusion of movement--
tinnitus filling the vacuum
left alone with my heartbeat
17 november
not a debate
not up for grabs
this that we call love
good as rain
bad as gas
if you don't know; it is
if you do know, it's not
elusive and yet not at all
december 2
so, I wonder, is sadness the same as depression
the story, the lesson the journey is about risk and value
and the way we trick ourselves
the way I trick myself
what was depressing was not writing
not
not getting published
what was depressing was thinking I was unable
giving up mastery
loss
sadness
depression is a mastery thing in the face of loss
and the pot empties
5 dec
as if I were a bed of coals you sidle up to me
as if it were a bed you made yourself
21 dec
so many different faces
26 dec
and again and again it is clear I would much rather be sad than nothing at all
and somehow this tumor made me feel
made me feel not afraid
not afraid of--the other--that might hurt me
not so much vulnerable as available
everything
everything was all of a sudden so poignant
is all of a sudden poignant immediate
appressed ambient at hand
daily life such as it is
close hauled encompassing
contiguous
pressing
precoccupying occupied space
internal
eternal
infernal
maternal
diurnal
to wit; tumor diaries
kinesthesia
awareness of joint position and movement initiated by muscular activity
a precursor of proprioception, the unconscious awareness of where your body is in space
kinesthetic memory
proprioception
vestibular functions
the combined perceptions of this system give us three dimensional organization in space
the three major functions of the vestibular system include postural control, (over simplified as balance) eye movements and conscious awareness of space
discovery
(c) 2003 jmc goldberg
---original message---
From: judi
To: JB
Sent: Friday, December 31, 1999
yikes a whole new milennium
love jude
jb wrote:
Awesome, and not yet.
How did it go on your end?
JB
---original message---
From: judi
To: JB
Sent: Saturday, Jan 1, 2000
---original message---
From: judi
To: JB
Sent: Sunday, February 6, 2000
Subject: hay and i don't know why you would cause i didn't
life certainly is complicated and the simpler it gets the more poignant and awesome it all is so it is still complicated, god
here paul went to work and it was a bust; there was no milennium madness no terrorists no patients to speak of in the clinic at all oy vay
m&m and i and some other related close friends went to the ocean called in the spirits
cast a circle had a little fire and
watched the sun set on 1999
me i have been struggling with my own sense of perspective quite literally and figuratively
turns out i have a little brain tumor of my own, benign though space occupying, not immediately life threatening in the life or death sense but threatening nevertheless as the skull for better and worse is not malleable and the brain for better and worse is...so i am preoccupied and occupied
--it's okay my sense of humor is blessedly intact--though everything is so full of sweet sorrow and i have been flagrantly emotional (i'd rather be sad than depressed any day of the week)--
so i've been sorting out facts and options and fighting with insurance companies,
yikes, i don't know what to do with a brain tumor, never had one before
it's an acoustic neuroma, dvora has one too
the deal has to do with how fast it grows
in the meantime i don't hear as well as i used to and it turns out the vertigo i suffered was related to this and not menopausal ha!
off to the big whig acoustic neuroma folks next week after i go to the small ent guy here so he can refer me to the appt i made so the insurance company will pay
abegezundt
ps anyway, i've had time to sit with this now for awhile and i'm not as freaked out or numb or like that
but i am still sort of encapsulated ; removed
more later
jude
so how goes the flow, and are you being well cared for and not giving away too much
here today i feel strong somehow, like a house, a repository in a good way, not so afraid, a little annoyed at the inconvenience, not that such things in life are convenient
anyway i'm trying to put as much into the trust fund as i take out but i am tapping into your strength
no that's not quite right, i remember your strength--by which i mean courage and relentless pursuit of that which you're after
( a legacy somehow i think of our upbringing even if not always reflected by our parents' behavior--a whole other story--but i digress...!)
and in reflecting on your courage i am able to remember my own...and i am learning and feeling different, not so afraid of what i used to be afraid of, which i guess translates to feeling more powerful, as in effective as in able to effect or prevail...i hope vic is feeling better, sorry i never really knew him
what are you learning and how does your garden grow
by the way
i don't know why you would cause i didn't, but do you still have copies of our earlier tumor letters
jb wrote:
Lucky you. I'm nothing if not organized...will send them next time...
As for the courage-and-strength trust fund, it's really more of a well, isn't it; not so much a matter of replenishing it as of using the stuff wisely and caringly. Feel free to drop your pail. I'm glad you're finding your own, too. So what are you afraid of or not afraid of anymore?
So, you making any decisions these days? I told Vic your story and he was most empathetic. His BRAIN SURGERY is on Wednesday...
veering this way and that i do in the dark off edges that aren't even there
horizontal hold needs adjusting
encapsulated, preoccupied
4 jan
approach and withdraw
ebb and flow
my perspective is unstable as a vestibular disorder would suggest
foreshortened to start
me, my tumor the whole world and all else intrusive and distracting
then expanded bloated exploded
to include an uncanny peace a poignant backdrop agains which to measure all things and find most not so much unimportant as less important and in this big picture, insignificant
no, not hollow but i guess not pressing, not worthy of being bothered about
life is rain and thoughts and the sound of the sky blowing up
the phone rings and i know the news already
24 jan
so it's not clear at this point why i would do anything if the treatment is going to be worse that where i sit right now
1 feb
so it won't be like a flood on a beautifully sunny day and
from where i sit now i have a better sense of the futility of waiting because there is nothing to wait for
all life marches inexorably forward
8 feb
i go older last week
10 feb
so as vic lies deciding...
the lessons offered are
not to be moribund
to know the difference between sadness and loss and anger and victimization
I hear Don...it's serious but don't take it so seriously
to carry the sadness in a context of joy and pleasure and living
dying is not always a matter of life and death but rather matters of life and death
sitting still like the river, is the best i can do now
moments are not particular
JB wrote:
feb 16: I think I get it now! (after almost a year of e-mail
correspondance with you, I could perhaps qualify as a not-bad
cipher clerk)
So I copied the text into my journal. Here are the earlier letters you wrote:
Ah yes, life is not for the faint of heart, t'is true
at the moment i am better, much less preoccupied much less removed even, not so much standing behind my little neruoma as with it or beside it and not yelling at it so much, just cooing and babbling at it
but there is no doubt that it has changed things you know in a literal and figurative way, again the perpective and balance thing
louise hays would have a field day with me; after all those have been such huge concepts in my life; such guiding vallues and here it is--the actual mechanism that mediates them is askew in my body...so i sit with the lesson and the humor of it all
sorry to hear about vic; hmm i was going to say something about feelings and had an aha of my own--anyway sounds like you in fact are not freaked out and not derailing and dishonoring your feelings and vic's feelings for that matter, which among other things
is the best energy saver there is--there is nothing so energy consuming as running hiding distracting oneself from feelings, especially sadness
ah the things we do not to feel sad--one of our richest luxuries; but it takes courage and community to sit with sadness--and of course one of the horrors of there being nothing left to do is then one realizes one of the biggest gifts we have to offer one another is just being there and doing nothing
my friend don; my best friend don, my soul mate don, my king don, my sister don, my ethereal escort don, my sister harlot don, my mentor, don died about 10 years ago of aids and during one of the last visits, when i was sitting not very comfortably at his bedside he said to me:
judi this is serious, but don't take it so seriously
i think it meant so many things--like the journey of the dying person is at some juncture different than the one of those accompanying him; and so then are the lessons and the guideposts and signal markers different; and we stay together as long as we can and lend and offer and exhange goods from our baskets as we have over time for as long as we can--but there comes a time finally when the goods are no longer interchangeable--
the last gift don gave me was the hardest one--he wouldn't let me organize his dying--how i hated that...
JB wrote: that was followed by your AHHA addendum:
HA another aHA jesus, back to louise hays, how could i forget listening, ah yes listening and the mechanism that mediates that, yes hearing; losing hearing hmm, i love life's ironies--
anyway methinks in the meantime thou art guide enough, for vic, is what i was wanting to say, so don't forget how healing loving is or being able to do those things that are attached to the core of one's soul; so help him do those things for as long as he can and enjoy them with him
so simple so elegant so graceful as in
full of grace
shit...i miss you and i love you and i'm so glad we reconnected and good for us!
JB wrote:
I'm gald you miss me and love me because I miss you and love you too. And damn right, good for us!
Zei gezundt in every sense and all of your senses and
may you learn from your neuroma what you need to learn and (may it then just go fuck right off.)
