aftermath

Subject: judi

Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 23:17:40 -0700

By proxy, and in fact, regards and love to one and all. Alas it appears the the tumor has been dispatched. The Princess herself is recovering, but has not had an easy time of it. It is already Saturday night! Whew! Today she walked. She now can talk in complete sentences, but remains somewhat abrupt and telegraphed, e.g., "Fan!" has become "More fan!". She has notable facial droop, and for those of you who are accustomed to her animated expressions -- be prepared. Speech is a bit altered by the uncooperative facial nerve, but she can still say "fuck" though a bit slurred in the delivery. The pain has been significant, but the nausea is so far the largest hurdle. As for me, I am exhausted, and a bit cranky. I have learned much of the import of first impressions given by our colleagues in the nursing profession. Lessons that, in the end, will serve to make me a better nurse.

Please continue to send those urgently needed positive vibes. Judi will recover. Lets let her be the impatient one.

Paul

To: G & D

Date: May 26, 2000

Subject: nice to hear your voice

so this is two weeks after surgery

came home on monday after 4 days in the hospital which were a grind, felt like runover hamburger meat not a pretty picture, thursday and friday especially

saturday was much better; so much so they said i could go home if i wanted

instead we switched all the iv meds to by mouth meds on sunday and i left early monday morning

now it's about being patient,

my balance is great way better than before and i'm not dizzy and i have a really good sense of where and how i stand in space which was not the case before

the big thing now is waiting for the swelling to go down; they say my facial nerve and hearing nerve both tested out really well so both should function at preoperative levels which will be perfectly for my facial nerve and less so for my hearing

ah to blink an eye...

anyway i can walk briskly mostly by myself, though the beach is too raggedy and irregular to risk it right now, so i go with an escort and my fancy walking stick;

and when i get hot and tired and scared and wonder if i will ever get better i dump out the healing bundle and whodo chases the ribbons and the clown's nose and i throw the bat and laugh at the rabbi bear and think bright thoughts and remember i am not alone and shit its only been two weeks

ah yes patience

ah yes perfection ah yes wisdom and love and perspective and another big one; sense of humor

anyway when you called i was lying on the couch in a perfect funk so it was nice to hear your gravelly voice and thanks for your love and support

and now that i think about it i was able to spend yesterday reading wow that is a big step forward

and paul has gone back to work so that actually would suggest another big step hunh?

patience is not one of my virtues

so that's what's up here

day by day

and the temporal lobe moments are other stories...

love judi

Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 11:59:29 -0700

----- Original Message -----

judi wrote:

http://www.count-me-in.org/

check it out

here slowly but surely every day is mostly better than the one before

jude

From: Dee Doyle

To: Judi

Hi, Jude!

Slowly but surely = mostly better. GOOD! It's often difficult to have patience with the 'slowly but surely' part. My chiropractor told me 20 years ago not to expect a straight line health gain. Explain please, I said.

He said return to heath is a zigzag course.....sometimes fast, or slow, and add a few backsteps now and then. That image has stayed with me. When I hit frustrating times on the healing path, that's what I try to remember--zigzag back--and I quit fighting my own 'expected' time schedule......and just 'let' the healing happen. It's not easy that way, but it reduces the emotional charge enough to calm down.

Thanks for the Count Me In website. I've bookmarked it for more study, but it looks like a good plan.

Love, Dee

Dee wrote:

Jude!

I'd be honored to have you post my letter to you! I'm glad it mattered.

Love,

The WART HOG ['gotta get used to my new image]......

30 may

all things considered, even all pucked up {(!) cause that's still what it comes out sounding like} I still feel pretty goddamned lucky, I get sad every once in a while, like at least once a day but I think I like that better than simply being depressed and I'm coming to discover that it too is just part of the process--the roses are in bloom the cats are wonderful and things all in all are okay--this ain't a half bad place to pull it back together, and mostly for all of my kvetching I still basically recognize myself and what I'm all about...so that's how it is as I sit here now--and that is pretty good

31 may

life goes on apace and my spirits ebb and flow

and I'm coming to recognize that as just part of the deal and it's easier when in the midst of that I don't just feel like a bump on a log so I try and remember the things I'm interested in and get about them

and the times when sadness prevails I remember to not do battle with it

and at the same time I know the task is not to let it run its old pathways

to maudlin and macabre--and I'm getting better at that

and so what if fuck comes out puck people still get the message

and it is humorous more of the time; anyway I'm able to read which is good and spending time at the computer browsing other people's websites and doing outreach with mine and getting lots of really nice feedback so that's been a nice pat on the back

and I've been walking and napping and playing with Whodo who is full of magic and dumping out my bundle to help me remember I am not alone never was and probably never will be

and I haven't really been up to gardening yet but that will come

so all in all things are okay and that's really helpful to reflect on

and complaining is such a bore; it reminds me of my grandfather...oy vay iz mir

and abegezundt! my hair is growing back

From: JB

Subject: so what's the big rush {ha ha}

From the Oxford Shorter Dictionary, sandwiched between "patibulary" (of or pertaining to the gallows) and "patiki" (any of several flatfishes found in New Zealand waters), comes the following, formatted to fit your screen:

patience fr. L. patientia, pres. ppl stem of pati, suffer: I Being patient 1a (The capacity for) calm endurance of pain, trouble, inconvenience, etc. Formerly also foll. by of pain etc. ME b Forbearance under provocation, esp. tolerance of the faults or limitations of other people. LME c (The capacity for) calm self-possessed waiting. LME. d Constancy in exertion or effort; perseverance.

So, as you would no doubt advise me, or any of the other concerned and caring people on this mailing list: And now is the time to learn not by choice but by circumstance. How much greater your capacity for understanding will be; how much more lusciously nuanced your palette of responses.

Illness reminds us how small our britches really are.

Funny, how after spending more than a week with you last summer, I never thought of you as impatient. I guess it's different when you're waiting for your own body to heal.

Gardening is a wonderful exercise in patience. When I first started clearing the land and planting stuff here, I wanted lilacs and peonies more than anything. So first I bought a lilac and planted it in nice new earth in a bright, sunny spot. The following May, I inspected it closely, and was dismayed to find no flower buds. Oh, well, I said, I guess it needs to settle in. Next year, I suppose. Twelve months later, still no flowers. So I found an even sunnier spot and transplanted the little bugger. Fed it, too. Another year went by. No flowers. OK, it has to recover from the transplant, I said. Last spring, I was beside myself: there they were! Tiny little flower buds, emerging from the leaves. Here they come, I shouted! Patience pays off at last! But alas, they shrivelled and died before even opening. Did I buy a dud? I wondered. But I left it and had faith. And today, as I write, five years after purchasing this particular shrub, the first of eight glorious lilac blooms are opening, big and healthy -- and white. I was certain I had bought a purple one (my favourite colour). All that waiting for 2 or 3 weeks of fragrant flowers. And I can't tell you how gratifying it is.

But then, waiting is not an option, is it?

And so, have I become more patient? With the garden, absolutely. And it does spill over into other areas of my life. A bit. Which doesn't mean that I don't feel entitled to rant and rave! You're the one you said "feeling sad feels sad." So go ahead and feel impatient! Whack something hard against the wall. Scream and yell and swear to your heart's content. Fuck is such a great word. Spit it out with plenty of venom. I know you can... and the laughter that (eventually) follows will be so rich.

All thoughts can't be bright. I trust you are writing.

g&d wrote:

Well, sounds like you're making progress in your recovery...at least.

Maybe you'll even get some of that patience stuff too! It always seems easier to be patient when you feel good, then you aren't so focused on where it hurts or moving carefully so you don't make it worse.

I know it's a pain, but, dearheart, there is so much to think about out side the healing...maybe focusing on those kinda thoughts might make it seem to go a little faster. At least till you feel good enough to try being patient.

Am I making sense here? This is great! me telling a nurse how to heal....what a wanker thing to do!

When we first heard that you were ill we decided we would plant a Redwood grove in your honor. It is doing very nicely. Right now they are just under two feet high, and there is new growth on each one. We were just out there weeding inside their fences and cutting back the nettles along their path. There is a Screech Owl near by that can best be heard from right there in the midst of the little trees. They (the Redwood trees) seem happy there under some Alder sapplings that protect them from getting too much sun.

Heal well sweet pea as we hold you gently in our thoughts and

grin...won't be long till you're dancin' again.

Ing wrote:

my sweet little bird,

patience is an interesting concept, well known to those of us who have carried a baby inside and anxiously awaited its birth. And for that matter, patience is known to all of us who carry inside a dream or vision that takes time to ripen.

I miss you sorely and want to tell you again what an inspiration you are to me and how often i think on things you have said and ponder the affect of your lazer sharp insight. i often quote you also. So there you have it. dixie has also been away so our little yet powerful group is still and quiet like the forest floor awaiting sprouting of new life. take care and continue to rest and breathe.

i love you, ingrid

RKB wrote:

Patience is something I will never master--nor will my children it seems. I realized this a few days ago as I helplessly watched Stephanie's PowerPoint presentation slowly churn out of the printer. She was already late for school and her usual final hour finesse was not pulling her through this one. We finally quit fuming at each other: I sorted recycling and she

stormed back and forth between the car and the printer, delivering one page at a time to her disheveled backpack.

All those wonderful admonitions (this too will pass...10 years from now will this really matter? ...things always work out for the best. . .) seem to slip from consciousness when

you're in the moment. Sigh. I have no good advice on this one.

Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000

From: Judi

To: G&D

Subject: Re: patient

hay hello and like that, couple of things,

first i meant to say a while ago; i am tickled to have had planted a redwood stand on my behalf,

and second

i figured out about patience,

i realized today that without even noticing that i have stopped waiting "to get better" you know, wow as in WOW now that is big

that means i am better,

that means i have everything, or enough, right now,

well me being me i'd have to say, way more than enough...full i am full again,

ha! love,

muggsie

G&D wrote:

My God! how i love to hear your voice!

welcome back!

Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2000

From: judi

Subject: tumor

To: bw

well you're a sweet man--i would have to say, putting the site together saved my life, so many different things--hung up here on that word, things--let me say it this way

so much went into, goes into still, this business of what turned into not just healing or recovering but really restructuring a whole life--not because of the physical stuff, in spite of the right sided weakness --i am basically in better shape physically than i have been in since i was 35--but it's about shit oh dear i guess it's really true about not being able to go through something like this without it having a profound effect on what ends up being important in any given minute or day--and the license i end up walking not away with but just with

and i find that i cannot really go back to my chosen profession in quite the same way, a tender of shattered souls i have been, and in fact a good one a good shepherd with a solid staff, and not afraid to wield it either i must confess, metaphorically of course, (not the confession) anyway, i find the journey has landed me somewhere else--i must take my writing more seriously and leave the drama on the page and the milk in my breasts if you will--i must teach the lessons i have to offer in some other way

eeks how i do go on, you must have caught me at just that right moment--i'm in the throes of sorting out what the changes will look like, and how that will impact our lives, my life and how all of this has impacted my friendships and all of that, in any case i am not an easy friend to have and this journey has been arduous for some and graceful for others

anyway i'll stop now, thanks for the invite to talk, i guess i needed it, now when is your birthday?